Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
