I skipped work to stalk him.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
