this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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