i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
