she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
