remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
