im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
