WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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