So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
