My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
