So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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