Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
