swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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