kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
