ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
