what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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