i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
