The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
