Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
