Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
