apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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