well I can't set my house on fire every night
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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