and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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