just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
