Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
