I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
