there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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