the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
