i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
