he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
