shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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