there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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