You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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