I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
