I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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