Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
