If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
