I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
