I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
