Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
