I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
