You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
