I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
