Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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