You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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