It's a beautiful day for a hangover
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I touched a dick in church today
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
