So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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