I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
