Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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