The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
