Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
