Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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