Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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