I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Randomize
